Dilemma

I am a bit confused, infact very confused, very very confused…………………..
Life has gone so much out of track, so much complicated, tense, and bitchy. Its like having a terrible nightmare; from where one can’t wake up.

I don’t know what I m looking for? Is it Success? Is it love? Or its Solace? A sense of guilt is always there no matter what I do, how I do and whatever be the output. Its not like I haven’t done or achieved anything or I m a total fiasco or very depressed Nevertheless I think I m quite happy and lively. With god’s grace and my parents love I had everything a person can dream about. Every comfort, every luxury and everything I can think of my parents had provided. Its not just material things I m talking abt it includes everything. Still I don’t know why I m feeling a void; like something very important, very critical is missing……….

For some time I m trying to fathom the mystery of life, thinking about the purpose of life, of the mystery of universe and of life of the coincidence and luck (as many people will say it) that some get and some don’t. The more I think about it the more anxious and restless I feel; answers giving way to more questions and more questions. Its like a chain nuclear reaction, tackle one and 2 more pops up. Answers are coming, albeit in regular intervals but there is something in me trying to reject the answers. The answers seems so cruel and insensitive and complex.

I have came to that stage of life where I have to make decisions every day and the pressure is killing me… On one had I want to do something big, something worth of trying and on the other I just want to be a dormant human being. On one hand there is so much to do and achieve and on other all the thing seems so much futile…

The desire to live and enjoy life has ended me. Now I have stopped dreaming, stopped aspiring and achieving something. Every effort seems so much in vain and hopeless. It only increases my restlessness more. I have no idea of what the hell is going on?

Catty

What the hell, cat is on at 9:30
The most difficult exam on earth
More than 2 lakhs ppl like me gonna sit for the exam
Out of which only less than 2 thousand gonna go
Rest r gonna go empty hand
With tears in eyes and chillness and emptiness in mind
With all the dreams scattered
And all the hopes crushed

I know I have no chance in cat
B’coz I m a big time sucker
And haven’t done any prep
Catty cat gonna screw me

In the name of prep I had attended some classes
Done some assignments and question
Worked for some sporadic hrs on some sporadic dazs
There is no continuity and balance
There is no mental perp and confidence

Haven’t done any good in mock cats
Given for the sake of only giving
B’coz others r giving
Never done any self assessment after 1 or 2 tests

How could a person like me dream of cat
With all the weakness and pathetic-ness
With no desire and aspirations
With only content of being in the box
Never daring to venture out…………

What shall I do in today’s exam?
Now when the judgment day has come
I slept enough and woke at 4:00Am
With panic all over my body and psyche

Now I m remembering all what my brother had told me
Thinking about the hopes and belief of my parents and family
How I’m gonna explain them
Reasons of me being a fiasco

A sense of guilt is gripping me
Just 4 hrs before the cat exam
And my mind swirling and whirling in
Oceans of formula’s and theorems and rules

But I have no idea
What I m trying to remember
I can’t remember anything
B’coz I never learnt anything

Lets see whats gonna happen
Chances r less
But I m trying to be strong
And hoping for the BEST……………………………..

The Nightly Night

The Nightly night is so dark,
Littered with thousand stars,
And bejeweled with plants and galaxies,
Covering and containing the earth and whole universe,
A sleeping blanket covering all,
A magical spell forcing and coaxing all eye lids to close,
And I, a Daiictian peeping from the blanket,
Revolting, Revolutionizing; trying to fathom the mystery,
So in vain and ridiculous r my efforts,
In the end I have to change………

The dazs r so hot and uncomfortable,
The Nightly night is so cool and comforting,
The dazs r so bright and breeze so harsh,
We sweat from head to toe,
There is so much commotion during days,
There is so much peace and tranquility during Nightly night,
The schedule is so hectic during day time,
With strict rules, regulations and timelines,
While Nightly night has no rules no fixation………

The day time is so annoying and indolent,
The Nightly night is so soothing,
The Nightly night is so beautiful,
Full of innumerable street lights,
Full of secrecy and mystery and darkness,
While the dazs r so open and naked,
The Nightly night is so serene and pure,
While the dazs r so showy and artificial…………

But In the end I have to do what others r doing,
I have to sleep at night and go on during day time,
As I have to live with them,
As I depend on them,
As I have to follow the social norms…………

As the hard day is gonna began,
The only consolation is the morning,
With the sky turning blue-black to grey to orange-yellow-reddish,
With the wind still carrying nightly night in them,
With the ambiance still pure and magnificent,
With people still dreaming,
With cool breeze and dew in the air,
And hope that the day will end soon,
And Nightly night will come soon………………………..